Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage EBOOK Download Free (EPUB, PDF, MOBI, MP3)

January 14, 2018 | Author: timarmoon | Category: Dialectic
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Download Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage EBOOK Download Free (EPUB, PDF, MOBI, MP3)...

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Review 1:
I bought this book because of its reputation and because of the good ratings it has received here on Amazon. Nevertheless, I was underwhelmed. First, Maggie Scarf fills the book with waaaay to many trivial and superfluous details about her clients and the circumstances in which she spoke with them. I felt like she was either trying to make the book more interesting or simply using the book as an outlet to hone her writing. Either way, I ended up skimming many portions of the book because I knew they were filled with insignificant details. Second, Mrs. Scarf's central insight in the book is the concept she calls "projective identification." In short, projective identification refers to relationships in which one partner acts out the unconscious thoughts/feelings of his or her partner. Her main contention is that we INADVERTENTLY choose partners who will outwardly express our unconscious thoughts/feelings. That's it. That's Mrs. Scarf's grand theory. Really, that's it. Mrs. Scarf continually hammers home this insight throughout the entire book. Personally, I couldn't really relate to this psychological concept. Although Mrs. Scarf would perhaps counter my contention and say that I cannot relate to the concept because I cannot perceive it because, remember, it's something people do inadvertently. And I'm open to this accusation, yet I've really tried to see if this concept of projective identification applies to my life, and it doesn't. Perhaps my experience is an anomaly and you will be able to relate to this concept. Yet, if you decide to buy the book and get half way through and still do not feel a connection with her assertions, save yourself the time and move on to another book. Here are two other self help books that, in my opinion, provide far superior insights and advice:

(1) "Are You the One for Me" by Barbara De Angelis -- please look past the quacky cover, Dr. De Angelis has loads of profound insights to share in this book.

(2) "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern -- life changing book from an incredibly perceptive, sensitive, and thoughtful psychoanalyst.

(3) "The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth" by M. Scott Peck -- another extraordinary book. Peck claims that delayed gratification, acceptance of responsibility, balancing, and dedication to truth are preeminent tools for effectively living life.

Review 2:
Lots of helpful info on why some of what goes on in relationships happens. Plenty of good advice.

Review 3:
I bought this book for a friend. I read it in medical residency. Great case-studies. Understandable concepts. A very good book!

Review 4:
That this is a "classic" couples therapy book works both for and against it. The problems facing those of us who want to retain our individuality alongside the twosomes we form are timeless, and that makes the book valuable even today, decades after original publication. What I didn't benefit from so much were a few "dated" attitudes towards relationship expectations and suggested "homework" assignments for dysfunctional couples. Another problem for me was that much of the book is taken up with a limited number of case studies that seemed to go on for too many pages and became very repetitive. I appreciated the readable writing style of the author, even though I feel she could have given as much information in one hundred less pages.

Review 5:
One of the topics covered in this book addresses how some marital couples/intimate partners get caught up in a pattern of arguing seemingly without end. The theory is that this happens because one or both partners are trying to externalize their internal conflicts as a way to avoid the pain of internal conflict. By seeing another person enact or play out one or several parts of one's own internal situation, a person can momentarily feel better because the pain involved in facing one's internal experiences is at least somehow being addressed and seen. It seems the psyche searches for ways to communicate to a person what's inside of him. As I understand it, it works something like this:

Let's imagine that Bill's mother made Bill feel responsible for her unhappiness and as a result Bill was mainly raised on guilt instead of love. Bill grows up with a lot of guilt inside of him but doesn't understand why. It's painful to feel guilt as a constant presence so the psyche wants to get Bill's attention using a variety of methods (aches in the body, dreams, etc). If these methods don't work, then it may try to get Bill's attention by leading him to try to make someone else feel guilty. When he succeeds, he takes momentarily delight in tricking himself into believing that he has expelled his guilt. But since this action/defense mechanism, often referred to as projective identification, offers only a brief moment of relief, he will seek to do it again in the manner that some foods or behaviours offer the release of feel good chemicals into the body. From the mammalian brain's point of view, the social pain of guilt is grounds for additional cortisol to be released into the body's stress response system from which one seeks relief. On the plus side, Bill can see that if he is attracted to depressed women, it might be a signal to him that he holds depression within him from which he can own. A self help quote reads, "Every man is my brother, every man is my mirror."

In another example, Jane's mother restricted Jane from allowing her real self to develop and emerge. Jane's anger associated with this was forced to go underground. Later in life, Jane provokes others into expressing anger so that she can feel an immediate "release" for what she is really feeling inside. If Jane meets Bill and the two become intimate partners, they may collude and agree to express each other's hidden feelings. "One woman ... phrased her own reasons for wanting to fight out an inner conflict in her martial relationship in the following way: 'I feel better when my husband hates me,' she said, 'than when I hate myself.'" pg 193

The assignment is for each partner to admit, with self compassion, that there is an inner conflict within them to allow for the withdrawal of projections so that the two can then relate to each other as individuals for who they really are.

Although couples project and the work of owning projections is an arduous task (in Robert Bly's recording, The Human Shadow, he says that many people find it easier to "marry" their projections than to own them), at the end of the day, from a spiritual perspective, no person is more important than another.




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